this post was submitted on 08 Nov 2025
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Well to cut a long story short he got away with my snorkel, but I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest, I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostriled man was brought to justice. But first I decided to but some donuts. So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop and I walked on up to the guy behind the counter and he says "yeah whaddaya want?" and I'm like "you have any glazed donuts?" and he says "no we're out of glazed donuts" so I'm like "you have any jelly donuts?" and he says "no we're out of jelly donuts" so I'm like "you have any Bavarian cream filled donuts?" and he says "no we're out of Bavarian cream filled donuts" so I'm like "you have any cinnamon rolls?" and he says "no we're out of cinnamon rolls" so I'm like "you have any apple fritters?" and he says "no we're out of apple fritters" so I'm like "you have any bear claws?" and he says
"wait a minute, I'll go check"
"NO, WE'RE OUTTA BEAR CLAWS"
So I says "in that case", I says "in that case what DO you have?" And he says "all I got right now is this box of one dozen starving crazed weasels" and I said "okay I'll take that".
So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out and they immediately latch onto my face and start biting me all over. Oh man they were tearign me apart. You know I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started going through my head, sounded a little something like this:
OH GOD AAAAAAGHH GET EM OFF ME AHHHH GET EM OFF ME OH GOD GOD GET EM OFF ME AAAAAAGH
And I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face, wavin my arms all around and just runnin and runnin and runnin like a constipated weiner dog and as luck would have it that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams.
Her name was Zelda. She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches. I'll never forget the very first thing she said to me: "Hey You've got weasels on your face." That's when I knew it was true love. We were inseperable after that. We ate together, we bathed together, we even shared the same piece of mint flavored dental floss. The world was out burrito. So we got married and we bought us a house and had two beautiful children: Nathaniel and Superfly. Oh we were so very very happy, oh yeah. But then one fateful night Zelda said to me, she said "Sweetie, do you wanna join the Colombia Record Club?" And I said "whoa hold on baby, I'm not ready for that kind of commitment". So we broke up and I never saw her again, but that's just the way things go in AAAAAAAAALBUQUERQUE!
AAAAAAAAALBUQUERQUE!
Anyway things really started lookin up for me after that because about a week later I finally achieved my lifelong dream. That's right, I got a part time job at the Sizzler. I even made Employee of th Month after I put out that grease fire with my face. Everybody was pretty jealous of me after that. I was gettin a lot of attitude. Ok likeone time I was out in the parking lot trying to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil when I see this guy Marty trying t carry a big ol sofa upstairs all by himself. So I say to him "hey Marty did you want me to help you with that?" And Marty he jsut rolls his eyes and goes "nooo, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw". So I did, and then he gets all indignant on me. He's like "hey man I was just being sarcastic". Well that's jsut great, how was I supposed to know that? I'm not a MIND READER for crying out loud and besides now he's got a really cute nickname, "Torso Boy", so what's he complaining about?
Say that reminds me of another amusing anecdote, this guy comesup to me on the street and he tells me he hasn't had a bite in three days. Well I knew what he meant, but jsut to be funny I took a BIG BITE of his jugular vein. He' yellin and screamin and bleedin all over and I'm like "hey come on man, don't you get it?" But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk bleeding and screeaming, you know completely missing the IRONY of the whole situation. Man some people can't take a joke you know.
Anyway where was I? Kinda lost my train of thought. Ok anyway I know it's know of a roundabout way of sayin it but I guess whole the point I'm trying to make here is I HATE SAUERKRAUT. That's all I'm really tryin to say. And if one day you should happen to wake up and find yourself in an existential quandry full of loathing and self-doubt and wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence, at least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this crazy mixed up universe of ours, there's still a little place called
#AAAAAAAAALBUQUERQUE!
I watched this performed live. It was a delight!
Christ on toast, I didn't know he ever did it live. That must be exhausting as hell, it's like 12 minutes long.
I've heard that one time -- in a show in Albuquerque, no less -- when he got to the "anyway, where was I? Kinda lost my train of thought" part, he actually started over again from the beginning!
I too have seen it live and he actually ADDED sections to it lmao. Madman.
I think mostly on the donut section. He added a lot of extra things they were out of.
He paused long enough half way through people started to leave before resuming lmfao. It was the closer!