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Friend, I hope that leaves your head some time soon.
This should help. Talking about it helps.
Be good to yourself today.
I can't undo what happened, I've seen such shite before, but I was walking my teeny tiny dog and when I saw what was inevitably happening, I took my dog on my arms and turned around 180 degrees. Yeah, it was horrible what happened, I was close to the person getting hit, but not close enough. Even if I ran, not a snowball's chance in hell. Sometimes you can't do anything.
But yeah, I am okay. I've seen shite like that before, jumpers. My dog is sleeping on my chest now and didn't see / notice any of it.
EDIT: Also, thank you for being concerned, but I'm okay. :) Do not worry about me.
This is similar to what they train Swedish train drivers to do if they are about to run someone over.
They are taught to close their eyes hard, cover their ears and scream as loud as possible.
This to distances themselves from the impact as much as possible
Oh my gosh, that is so messed up, did not know that. But yeah, thinking about it now, it makes a lot of sense.
Yeah, it is grim, but on the railroad, the question isn't IF you are going to kill someone, but rather, when.
So stuff like this is sadly needed.