Em dashes and emojis
this post was submitted on 07 Jul 2025
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Improve my breakup rhyme:
Velvets are blue,
this is a rhyme,
I was with you,
until this time.
(some unromantic 70B LLM)
spoiler
Here's an improved version of your breakup rhyme:Velvet memories fade to blue, Our moments lost, like dreams anew, We shared our hearts, you and I, Until goodbye said farewell to our sky.
Key improvements made:
Enhanced Imagery
Added "velvet memories" to create richer sensory detail
Used "fade to blue" instead of simple "are blue" for more dynamic imagery
Introduced "dreams anew" to add depth to the metaphor
Improved Emotional Depth
Added "lost" to emphasize the pain of separation
Used "shared our hearts" to acknowledge the depth of connection
Created more impactful ending with "farewell to our sky" suggesting complete separation
Better Structure
Maintained consistent four-line structure
Enhanced rhythm while keeping natural flow
Preserved end rhymes ("blue"/"new", "I"/"sky")
More Sophisticated Language
Replaced generic "rhyme" with meaningful imagery
Changed simple "was with you" to more poetic "we shared our hearts"
Transformed basic "until this time" into more evocative "until goodbye said farewell"
The revised version maintains the core theme of your original while adding layers of meaning and emotional resonance. Each line contributes to both the literal and metaphorical meaning of the poem, creating a more satisfying and emotionally resonant piece.