...but one thing remains the same: it still sucks.
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Not sure what experience with Java you are talking about. As a Dev, modern Java still rock solid and is finally quite convenient to use and the JVM itself is a great runtime.
As an admin who has to update it, work with it, or interact with it from a workstation or server, it's a terrible experience.
Ok, that I can understand. But any modern Java application should be shipped as a container were this isn't an issue.
"My car is super reliable, but only if you put it on the back of a big flatbed truck."
I don't see how you'd have any less problems with a natively installed Node.js, Python or PHP application. This is not a Java specific issue.
Java isn't any of those.