Unfortunately, Mike Johnson cannot orgasm unless he thinks about starving orphans and dead puppies and shit.
this post was submitted on 08 Nov 2025
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Honestly, I’d believer it. What a horrible sack of shit.
Does the Bible mention masturbation? I know it promotes feeding the poor for sure…
Does the Bible mention masturbation?
I am not a Bible expert, but every time I've heard people talk about it, they reference an Old Testament story where a man's close female relative (I think his brother's widow or something like that?) tries to seduce him after her husband dies, but then he lets his seed spill to the ground instead of impregnating her, and this displeases God.
The story is obviously about him not fulfilling his familial duties, but modern Christians pretend it's about making sure you only ejaculate when there's a chance of reproducing.
every sperm is sacred
when just one is wasted God gets quite irate
Let the heathen spill theirs
On the dusty ground
God shall make them pay for
Each sperm that can't be found
Every sperm is sacred
Every sperm is good
Every sperm is needed
In your neighborhood!
I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts
There they are, all standing in a row
Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head
Give them a twist a flick of the wrist
That's what the showman said
That tracks after I got caught with a stash of sears catalog rip-outs and my catholic mom guilt-tripped me lol.
Neither of us are religious now so it's kind of funny on hindsight at least.
Onan is supposed to impregnate Tamar, the widow of his brother. The ancient Hebrews practiced levirate marriage, where if a woman’s husband died before giving her a son, her brother in law was supposed to impregnate her so that she could have some claim to inheritance/not be left destitute.
Onan didn’t want to impregnate her, because he didn’t want to share the inheritance. So he pulled out and was killed for being a shitty person. Trying to get the O but not the responsibility. Absolutely nothing to do with masturbation.
Later, Tamar is supposed to marry the last brother, but Judah, her father-in-law is freaked out about giving her his last son, worried that he is going to end up getting killed somehow too. So he tells Tamar to go back home and wait. Tamar eventually gets sick of this, dresses up as a prostitute and gets Judah to impregnate her.
Well, (not a Christian) as I understand it the whole "don't masturbate" comes from the story of Onan. Onan was some rando who had his brother die and as such he was obligated to impregnate his brothers wife (as was the fashion at the time) so his son by his brothers wife would be the heir of his bother.... I'm sure it made sense at the time.
Instead Onan decides to practice "pull out" contraception so he can keep fucking both his own wife and his brothers wife too. This pisses off God and he gets all smite-y on Onan.
This gets interpreted as either "Masturbation is a sin" or "Give you brother an heir" or "Don't defy gods cucking fetish" depending on which sect you talk to.
It's more "don't defy God" in this story.
That's basically what ALL of the old testament and ridiculous amounts of the new one boil down to, though 🤷
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I wonder if Mr Jonson would kill an Amalek on sight, as the LORD commanded Christians to do. I wonder if he thinks this is in fact what President Trump and Bibi are actually doing.
(for context: Amalekites are a tribe) Numbers 14:25
the Amalekites and the Canaanites live in the valleys
(... that God really fucking did not like) Samuel 15:2-3
This is what the Lord Almighty says: ‘I will punish the Amalekites for what they did to Israel when they waylaid them as they came up from Egypt. Now go, attack the Amalekites and totally destroy all that belongs to them. Do not spare them; put to death men and women, children and infants
Personally? No way, that weasels sack of shit couldn’t do his own dirty work, but I’m sure he delights in seeing anyone who isn’t white and Christian die. Women and children are no obstacle for this filth.
With or without religion, good people can behave well and bad people can do evil; but for good people to do evil - that takes religion.
-- Steven Weinberg (RIP)
I think that’s a great quote and the man had numerous scientific accomplishments, but as a supporter of Israel he also said (of Britain’s Israeli boycott):
"Given the history of the attacks on Israel and the oppressiveness and aggressiveness of other countries in the Middle East and elsewhere, boycotting Israel indicated a moral blindness for which it is hard to find any explanation other than antisemitism."
I think the quote is overrated, honestly. There are a lot of times that a "good" person may do "evil" without religion.
Probably the most famous example comes from the Milgram experiment. All that's required is an authority figure to tell people to do evil and they'll do it.
And if you study behavioral economics, you'll find out that a lot of people tend to cheat and steal just a little bit.
Another time is when there is a conflict of interests. I forget the exact quote, but it is said that it will be impossible to get a person to understand something when their pay requires them not to understand it.
I'd love to see a repeat of the Millgram experiment, but with religious people in one group and non-religious people in the other.
I wonder which more readily abdicate their moral decision-making
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hes trumps mouthpiece.
wanna bet he doesnt know what amalek is.
Isn't that the stone head in Legends of the Hidden Temple?
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The line I remember from the bible being attributed to "masturbation=bad" is:
"It is better to spill your seed in the belly of a prostitute than it is upon the ground."
But that really could be interpreted as to the usefulness of reproduction or pleasure and not really a condemnation of jerking it. Like, it sure is better. But I dont have money for a prostitute so the ground will have to do 🤷♂️
Or maybe just don't ejaculate on the ground you filthy bastard. I'm sure they had like leaves or something if they couldn't afford tissues.
moneybags in the bible can afford hookers.
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In like 3 separate piles?
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This isn't satire. Do we need to start posting onion articles in "not the onion"?
Satire doesn't require falsehood or exaggeration.
In this case, the two parts of that statement ("My religion is opposed to jacking off", "I don't care about feeding the poor") aren't usually made explicit or said together. By saying the quiet parts out loud and putting them in direct juxtaposition, this headline calls him out on his hypocrisy.
What you're referring to is parody. Satire is exactly like this.
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Whatever, I'm pretty sure he's rubbing one out nightly to the thoughts of starving brown children.
Republicans have crossed from common faith to demon worship.
Its been my go to theory for years now. If god and the devil exist then the devils greatest trick was to convince christians that it was god and trump is their christ. Or as all the real christians call him the anti-christ.
I had this thought a few years ago when some god botherer wouldn't shut up and used that ignorant line about the devils greatest trick was to convince humanity that it didn't exist. I said that isn't a very good trick and expanded that the best kind of trick would be to convince humanity that it was god so every time people said praise god they would really be praising the devil.
I didn't not make a friend that day but at least that sad sack of shit shut up and left me alone.
Edit: that not they
Even better part of your statement... it checks out theologically. The bible actually specifically says that Satan can disguise himself as an angel of light. and it specifically predicts the antichrist specifically will convince people that he is holy, and people who think they are doing god's work will follow him.
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"my Christian faith is more about telling my son when I jack off than feeding the poor."
Ftfy
Does the Bible even masturbation is wrong?
Not really. It was God killing a guy named Onan for doing his pull-out game instead of nutting in his wife. It "spilled on the ground" so it says and it angered God. Other than that, and in the most explicit terms, no.
And it wasn’t even about it going on the ground or whatever it was about him failing his duty to impregnate his brother’s widow, which was expected of him. Sounds bizarre today but due to the rules of inheritance at that time, it was considered a service to the widow.
Came to say, Onan was commanded to impregnate her. The story has zero to do with masturbation.
Neither atheists nor believers get the basic mythology of their region.
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Didn't really expect your "christian faith" to be anything even close to the actual christ-based teaching. Evil shit
So, does this mean any screenshot of an onion headline is a meme now?
alwwys_has_been.png
He should at least try to feed the poor Corn Flakes then.
So much more satisfying when he finally does since it’s forbidden.
Of course not they find minor children to do that for them. In his case young boys. After all it is the party of indecency.
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