The Onion

(Quantico, VA) As the FBI promises every man is on the case and an up to $50,000 reward is offered for the Brown University shooter, Agents are confessing they’re not sure which shooter case is theirs at this point.

“Look, first of all, this is America,” said one Agent who asked to be called Rex to avoid reprisals. “We have mass shootings every week. And every week [Director] Patel says every man is on that new case. And somehow, we all get assigned the case. It’s nuts.”

Patel was selected as FBI Director at the start of trump’s term, and was disparaged for having no law enforcement experience. Now-silent trump supporters touted the choice for his promise to release the Epstein files immediately. This promise is still to be met.

But Patel has zealously parroted the president’s orders, and trump is quick to call for full justice when mass shootings make the media. “We have every man on this case, I saw to it personally,” he said in remarks Tuesday. Rex says he has four other mass shooting he is investigating as well, and there is mass confusion in field offices. “One gun from a mass shooting got mailed to six offices looking for who requested fingerprints. At this point, the shooter would have to be standing in an intersection screaming ‘I did it!’ to be arrested if they’re not the new big case.”

But things might be worse than Rex suspects. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler and mass shooter in Wichita, Kansas says he has been in the intersection for four hours now confessing. “I shot 13 people at the Fairfield Inn yesterday! I want to confess! Birds aren’t real, they’re from the moon,” he yelled as he tried to flag down officers. Sturbgetter says he feels for Rex and the other agents, as he wants a shootout more than they do. “It used to be a man could do something bad and go out in a blaze of glory. I’m trying to confess and I’m getting emails asking if I thought about Congress. That’s bad, man.”

As of press time, neither Sturbgetter or the Brown shooter had been arrested.