The Onion

(Bogota, Colombia) As the US ramps up its military presence further and has now sunk an unarmed ship killing its crew, the administration says they are in this until the War on the Epstein Files is over. “We have struck a significant blow to the attention of the media,” said a younger, blonder press secretary favored to soon replace Karoline Leavitt. “We will continue these violations of international law until the Epstein files are forgotten.”

The Epstein files, which trump campaigned on releasing and subsequently went to war with his political base to withhold, contain information about who travelled extensively with Epstein and participated in his extensive child rape enterprise. The trump administration denies they are mentioned in the files, and say they will continue to sink civilian ships until we stop asking about it.

In a briefing Tuesday, a spokesperson filling in for trump, whom they assure us is alive, attempted to follow the president’s notes and describe a number of civilian targets they plan to attack next, including other commercial vessels, a powerplant, and for some reason a Wendy’s in northern Alabama. “Terrible fries, apparently,” said the unnamed spokesperson filling in. He reiterated, “these targets will not be attacked if the Venezuelan government can provide ironclad guarantees that the Epstein matter will be dropped. Thank you for your attention on this matter.”

Wendy’s stock is down after hours on the news of an impending attack on one of their restaurants.