The Onion

(Washington DC) Taking a break from foreign diplomacy, President Trump delivered a followup speech on his views of wetland policy Tuesday, after sharp criticism from skeptics about his approach to solving habitat loss. “We can disagree,” said the President, “and we often should. But this is an important issue in ten years for America, and we have to start addressing it today, before major changes in climate.” Trump cited a study by Egyptian researchers on their own wetlands, and how it can be applied in America. “They’ve done incredible work here, and all the heavy lifting is done, we just have to implement. The money is there, we just have to work a little to find it.”

Trump began the address by taking questions from reporters, causing congenial laughter when answering a question by Kaitlan Collins of CNN. “Kaitlan,” said the President, “I can’t keep answering three-part questions every time, my wife will begin to suspect something.” As the press corps laughed, a smiling Melania Trump waved to her husband from the back of the room. Trump then handed the microphone to an opponent of his proposal, saying, “Dr. Singh and I disagree here, but I feel five minutes of his views will help contrast mine, and I think my arguments will win, believe me.” Singh spoke ardently against the White House proposed policy, citing Trump’s own white paper on the matter twice, before yielding the microphone to polite applause.

Before he began, Trump sent warm wishes to the zoo keepers at Cincinnati Zoo, asking them to take good care of Harambe and noting that it was almost 10 years ago that the male gorilla helped deliver a 3-year-old child safely after falling into the enclosure.

At the mention of Harambe being alive, you wake, startled by a noise outside the house. It could be a raccoon, but it could also be a federal worker trying to steal food, or an ICE agent short on his quota and looking for a defenseless American to send to Bolivia. You prepare to defend yourself.