ADHD

Maybe couples therapy is a better investment than therapy for you individually.

Not adulting enough: is the issue that you are not working or that she doesn't feel you are carrying your part of the domestic work?

If the problems started 5 years in the relationship, it sounds more that you guys grew apart. Your ADHD might be a factor in that, but it can't be the only thing, since no one suddenly develops ADHD at the age of 38. Doing the math it also seems the problems started during Covid, so maybe that's another factor? It was a rough time for everyone. Anyway, I wish you all the best and don't beat yourself up too much.

Have you told her this, just like you have here?

It's hard to lose a relationship, it's even harder when you realise that you could have done better, but we are all growing and learning at our own pace and it is rarely beneficial to fault ourselves for not being better at a time that we did our best.

I am sorry for what you are going through, but I hope you can see that as hard as it is, you shouldn't blame yourself for not having the skills that others have when you had struggles that others never did.

Someone already mentioned couples therapy, but I want to reinforce that. Yes, there are ADHD coping skills that you are personally working on. But if you're both interested in improving your relationship, there are things that you can work on together (and many of them won't be ADHD-related).

When you're looking for a couples therapist, if you can find one that's experienced with ADHD, that might be helpful.

One last thought. Sometimes when we have ADHD, we have some internalized ableism. I see some of that in your post: "took me a year to get off my butt," "I wasted a whole year doing nothing." Both of those statements imply you were "lazy." Executive dysfunction can make simple tasks much harder. ADHD people often struggle with medical care. Things like finding a doctor, setting appointments (showing up on-time to an appointment), and getting prescriptions refilled can be huge hurdles. The key is to find systems and supports to help you handle those challenges.

I'm sorry to hear you're in your position. Failing marriages are always awful, and when it's caused by disability it can be that much more uncomfortable.

And I'll say that, I relate a lot more to you in this situation. I could never marry someone who needs me to function like I don't have adhd, which is why I married someone who's more like us. I knew what I was getting into and so did she and the loads we share are built on the reasonable expectations we always had, like that things won't always be as clean as we might like them to be and that dinner plans are subject to how much effort we have the capacity to put in at the time.

Keep working on your mental health, and show yourself kindness and forgiveness. Not only do you deserve such things, they're also the most effective tools you can get to help you improve your ability to function outside of pharmaceuticals

I wish you the best <3

I also wanna say that I there's overachievers but only on very narrow disciplines. On average, no one has their shit together and the more people look like it, the less they do. I hope you continue to learn about yourself and become happy again.

My now wife has ADHD, and I definitely feel like I take on nearly all responsibilities. It is exhausting and frustrating to no end.

I worry that my wife will feel she's having to be a parent to me more than a partner, I bring it up when I'm feeling like I've put a lot on her shoulders and we have good communication.

One thing she said really helped her understand was the book "Is it you, me, or ADHD?" Specifically, there's a line in there that essentially says asking a person with ADHD to focus better is like asking someone to take off their glasses and just see better.

From experience, when there's problems in a relationship, it's hard to be positive and the more you tiptoe around the person or argue the easier it becomes to fall into that void and soon it's just a snake eating its own tail, no matter how much love you have for the other person. It's very hard to break that cycle and keep up the energy.

As for becoming more of an adult, habits are huge for me so creating ones that will work for you is the place to start. The hardest thing for me to break was being sure I'd remember a thing this time! Now, if I have something to remember later, I grab my phone and type it into a note app. Then when I remember I'm forgetting something, I know to check my notes. Or, the other big one, asking Google to remind me of things. "Hey Google, remind me at 3pm tomorrow that I need to call the doctor" and then I put it out of my mind until the notification pops up on my phone the next day and I remember to thank past me for making things easier for present me.

And now the hardest bit I have: being in a relationship where you're taking care of the person is hard. I was in one back in my youth and as soon as I knew the person was going to be ok I knew I was done. I spent so much time making sure they were ok that when they were I realized there was nothing left for me in it. I think it's ok to ask that question, no out of anger but from maturity. Sometimes drama is attractive and could be a reason someone stays. Objectively, do either of you feel the need to go on? Of you weren't married do either of you feel like you would shake hands and walk away? Don't get stuck in an emotional sunk cost fallacy, neither of you deserve that.

Good luck.

I strongly agree with the suggestion to do couples counseling. ADHD is a sonofabitch that makes us work twice as hard just to get half a far as someone without ADHD. There's legitimately only so much we can do, despite our strong feelings of having the squandered opportunity to do more. NT people will never be able to understand what it's like to have ADHD, just like we'll never be able to understand what it's like to be NT. A good therapist should help to bridge that gap.

And I sympathize with you greatly. I've had many relationships of all different sorts suddenly implode because of my ADHD throughout life. I hate that helpless black-hole feeling. I'm extremely lucky in the fact that my wife also has ADHD, but I definitely still feel that extremely uncomfortable strain at times. A thing that has helped me is to recognize that those relationships have never truly ended while I still carry the memories and the way they've changed me. It still hurts like a motherfucker, but it hurts less.

I know it hurts a whole lot as I can't keep myself from legitimately crying right now just remembering how I can relate, but I hope that helps to let you know that you're not alone. Keep fighting the good fight and I'll try to do the same.

Sending a virtual hug your way!

Unless you live in northern Colorado and want a real hug from an internet stranger who may or may not be a weirdo.

As a fellow ADHDer with all three kids in the ADHD spectrum somewhere. Please know I'm rooting for you, think the best of you, and you are great just the way you are!

Couples counseling.

Do a few months of it together.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. This is rough and I hope you and your wife both find a way through this.

Some thoughts from an internet stranger:

1. Your ADHD is not your fault. You mentioned not doing anything about it for around a year: please remember that ADHD affects your executive function. Maybe you feel like you could have done something earlier, but that's part of the cruelty of executive dysfunction: we rationalise the inactivity ("I was lazy", "I couldn't be bothered", etc.) because that's easier to understand than accepting that for whatever reason your brain just couldn't go there. You're doing something now and that's what matters.

2. Just because your relationship feels like it's not good now, that doesn't mean it can't improve. It sounds like both of you are carrying a lot, and maybe for now the right thing is having space from each other. That's sad, and feeling those feelings is valid and important. But that doesn't mean the story is over for the both of you. Some other people here have mentioned couples therapy, and if that's something you're both interested in I'd also like to join in with recommending that.

Couples counseling, do it. Worst case scenario things still don't work out and you divorce with the knowledge that you sincerely tried to repair things. Also you will have learned and grown from the experience. Best case scenario you both work through some difficult things with help and started repairing the relationship.

My guess is that both of you are exhausted. It is really hard to have optimism when don't even have the energy for things you enjoy.

From your post its clear that you very much respect your wife and want to provide her with an equal labor marriage. I think that is what everyone should aspire to, bearing in mind some things that I think are kind of being left out here.

So I'll dissent a bit and say, you didn't ask to have ADHD. It is not your fault that you have a neurological disorder that makes it substantially harder for you to manage and perform these same kinds of daily tasks. Your voice throughout this post is extremely unsympathetic of yourself, and I dont think thats fair to you. ADHD isnt a choice. And as much as I think its important to aspire to an equal labor relationship, I think its also extremely important to recognize that some things are harder for us than for neurotypical people. To suggest it is entirely our fault is ableist. We can take actions to try and do more of these tasks that are harder for us, but its important to recognize that they are harder for us than for neurotypical people.

I also know from personal experiences that turning it all inwards on myself only made it harder for me to handle more daily labor. Understanding that I'm doing the best I can, and in the past I was too, made me feel much more motivated in trying to handle more.

A couple things come to mind:

Your wife coming into your marriage with an expectation that you change is not fair to you, nor is it your fault.

Also, you're being really, really negative on yourself. You should be celebrating the progress you've made, but instead you're stuck on "it's not enough." I know this is a hard time, but you can also view this as an opportunity. You have a lot of life left to live, and with the new skills you're learning, you can live it to the fullest.

I feel like there are no bad guys here. Are you on meds yet? That helped my kids. I do sympathize most with your wife - you are going to have to do a lot of the stuff she's doing for you now if you break up, so I can understand she is frustrated you won't do it.

We divide labor in my house. Husband is more tight about cleaning, he doesn't want mess. I don't care as much, I do clean up but not in an organized way and certainly not to his standards. He does what he can, but importantly - we also have a cleaning lady come every second week because I know my limitations and it's not fair to push all the cleaning off onto husband. He doesn't cook, I do that, the gardening, the finances & tech stuff (cleaning up takes as much time as all of that together I think and I value so much not having to do as much of it) and we both work full time. Some stuff we put on auto-ship so neither of us have the mental load. Dog food, flea medicine, toilet paper, medicines. Anything where it can come at a regular frequency. He writes a lot of post it notes too & phone reminders - if you aren't good at remembering, use timers and notes.

I know you are posting mostly to vent, and might not want suggestions so please just take this as it's meant, some thoughts because your post resonates with me. I am sorry y'all are going through this, both of you.

Check out the Fever app for local date night ideas. I have found a few fun things like candlelight music, dining in the dark, escape rooms, etc.

Check out Everout for local things like comedy shows, book readings, events, night markets, and other things to do that sound interesting to you. Actually commit to going to one.

Write notes. It sounds corny, but it takes 5 minutes and means a lot, even if you're a rambling mess. Tell her how much she means to you in physical writing.

Find a new meal recipe that sounds good to you. Make the food, get some wine, and ask her about something she is interested in. Listen attentively, and ask questions.

I struggle with ADHD as well. I am always thinking about something else. I am not an extrovert. These ideas are things you can do with your partner, or any new partner/friend. When it comes to whether you should separate, that's something only you can decide. If you want to make it work, it does take effort - a relationship is a two way street, or a dance you can't do apart.

Sending love and support this is such a painful thing to navigate 🫂

I was in a similar boat. We made it two weeks shy of our 13th wedding anniversary. It sucked, and Im sorry you have to go through it too. I don’t have any advice that you’ve probably not already gotten, but maybe I can offer you some perspective.

My ex was the one who shouldered the responsibility, finances, and planning of everything. In hindsight I believe she resented me for it; not that I blame her. So when I loved out, I had to start taking responsibility for myself (and my kids when I have them). I had to, for multiple reasons:

1. I was now single
2. I don’t have family to fall back on
3. I didn’t (and still don’t) want to give her any reason to think I’m incapable of taking care of my kids (i.e. fear)
4. I’m a role model to my kids

I could go on, but the point I am trying to make is that I found my motivation (albeit too late for my marriage) for taking things into my own hands and becoming self sufficient.

Am I perfect? Nope. Do I still need help sometimes? Yep, and sometimes I will involve my ex (because I still don’t have family of my own). She doesn’t mind as much anymore; I also offer to help her too. It’s about the baby steps.

I want to be perfectly crystal clear: in no way am I suggesting that you are to blame! Let me reiterate: you are not to blame, and neither is your wife. I just know that two people can very easily fall into a rut, and then one person feels like they are doing more than the other.

For me and my ex, I was depressed, burned out, and unmedicated for adhd. It took me almost a decade to realize this, and two and a half years to get a grip on it. And Im certain I still have a ways to go.

So please be patient and forgiving with yourself, and I genuinely wish you and your wife the best; whatever that looks like.

This is chilling: I momentarily thought I wrote a post in my sleep. My partner and I are going through nearly the same thing right now, but I think I'm just a few months ahead of you and I'm non-binary.

We're working things out and we're working on ourselves. I'm happy to share what has helped if you're interested, plus you're welcome to DM me if you just need to vent with someone who gets how difficult this can be.

First of all, this must be really difficult and I wish you strength to come through this with hope and dignity.

I lasted 12 years with my ex through good and bad times. She had her own neurodivergences and I was not adequately handling mine. I caused a lot of shit by being absent, dissociated, unhelpful etc.

Blaming myself for the failure of our relationship is not helpful. It went the way it went because of who we were at the time. I use it as motivation and a chance to learn about myself and how to be better.

Being successful with ADHD requires a kindness and gentleness to one's self. I would ask myself "Would you say these things to a stranger? Would you say these things to a friend? Then why would you say them to me?"

One of the turning points for me was to stop putting myself last and to instead put myself first. If I am strong then I can be more dependable for others. I give myself the accommodations that I need. I stopped treating myself badly. I learned how to love myself. I stand my ground when others expect too much of me. These things were integral in becoming the person that my new partner now loves and respects me for.

When two people don't work out it's no one's fault. Each is betting on a future with someone that is an accessible attractive option and often that bet doesn't yield the results they wanted but that doesn't mean it wasn't worth the time that was had. We can't tell the future. No one is perfect. Perfection doesn't even exist. We're all just muddling through the day to day. Shakespeare asked is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all - and there is a clear answer - its better to have loved and lost, because it wouldn't be painful if there was no substance to it.

I'd hazard a guess that you guys are probably done and that the best thing for you is distance right now. After some distance and time you'll know if there is any future. You probably already know that though.